Random musings about me

Things have been kinda quiet today. I went to work to get some cleaning and straightening done much to my dismay. We went to the movies last night. The guys saw a action movie. Sadly enough I can't remember the name. Susa B and I saw "He's Just Not That Into You" We thought it was good. I slept late and then went on into work. Big Rog has been working in the man cave and is now making "piles" to file and stacks to shred. I on the other hand have been self absorbed and compiled a random list of things about me. Not sure really what prompted it other than the fact I had read some lists some friends had written and thought I might try some self reflection. Now to see if I can add a word document to blogger. It may be impossible. For me that is.


Lyrics to Dream :
I was a little girl
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees
And fed my houseguests bark and leaves
And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing
I had a dream

Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down at me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest tree
I had a dream

oooo....

Now I'm old and feeling gray
I don't know what's left to say
About this life I'm willing to leave
I lived it full, I lived it well
As many tales I live to tell
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now
To fly from the highest wing
I had a dream

(Thanks to Lisa for these lyrics)
[ Dream Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Random Confessions
1. If given the chance I would eat ice cream every day. It does not matter what flavor, just cold creamy goodness on a cone. And yes, the cone is the absolute best part, especially the last bite.
2. I love being a mom and wife. My family is so important to me and I have a hard time believing my children grew up so fast. My husband is a wonderful man who is always looking out for me even when I don’t deserve it. My children are such great people in my eyes. I am proud of who they are and how they treat the people around them. I can only hope as they age and become parents themselves they will realize how much I love them and that even or especially when I made mistakes parenting, it was all based on love and trying to provide the best for them that I could.
3. I would like to be independently wealthy so I would not have to work. It is not so much the work but how it consumes…or rather how I allow it to consume… my life. I would still volunteer my time to teach young children and families in some capacity.
4. I still feel like I am 25 inside. I just get a shock when I look in the mirror and catch a glimpse of my soon to be 52 year old face or try to get up off the floor after sitting there too long.
5. I have a fear that time is slipping away so quickly and that I am not doing the thing yet that I am destined to do. I worry that maybe I did not get the memo and will miss the opportunity to really contribute and give of myself something that can be meaningful and lasting. It is really hard to explain. Maybe all a part of the growing older process.
6. Water (oceans, creeks) and nature renews my spirit and soul. I feel so close to God when I am gazing in awe at his handiwork. A spirit of calm and peace enters my body that is too often wracked with anxiety and tension.
7. I am and have always been an insomniac. It is the falling asleep part that is hard. I can’t turn it off. Many times, it is partly the thought that when I do fall asleep I am giving up the last little bit of time I have that left in the day that is all mine and then the grind has to start all over again.
8. I could work in the garden and yard all day and lose complete track of time. It never seems like work and I like the feeling of tiredness it gives my body as opposed to the mental tiredness decision making takes. I want to learn more and more about how to really place plants and make gardens more aesthetically pleasing. Plants don’t behave for me and do what they should. My garden spots always have a certain “wildness” about them. They grow tall when they are supposed to be shorter, short and small when they are supposed to overtake the world. At least I am always challenged. My plants tend to turn out just like the kids in my classrooms!
9. I assume too much that people understand things as I do without an explanation. I have always been fairly good about “reading” what people want me to do or picking up on the process of a job or task that needs to be done when someone else is in charge without being told what to do. I forget this at times and think that everyone operates that way. This is a big fault of mine and it has led to my actions and reactions being hugely and completely misinterpreted by some people who work with me when I am in charge. I can get a little (internally) impatient when people don’t get what I think is very obvious . My body language must give away what I am thinking even when I don’t say what I am really thinking. I have been trying to work on this. My assistant now has a similar work ethic so we get along great!
10. I would love to travel and see the world first hand. I love to experience new things and cultures. There is a joy all of its own associated with experiencing life during travel.
11. I learn best by attempting a task after I have observed someone experienced complete it first. I am a visual learner which would explain # 9 a bit more. I like to observe it first, and then try my hand at it. Heavens, what if I failed at an attempt all on my own!
12. Over time, I have become horrible at keeping in touch with people. I think about them all the time but can’t seem to get it together to actually schedule events. I think it is the work that I have chosen to do that has contributed to this fact. Not enough hours in the day.
13. I love to shop but absolutely have to find a bargain. It pains me to think about paying full price for something/anything. This leads me to a little bit of trouble when I try and buy something just because it is a good deal and not because I need it.
14. I love ,love, love, love, love antiques. Did I mention love? There is such an emotional connection to the past that takes hold of me when I get when around old things. I imagine all the places they have been and how they have touched other’s lives. Strange but true. I admire how they have withstood the test of time.
15. I want to learn to make stained glass before I die because I have always loved glass and light.
16. I need music so much in my life. I often worry that I will have to choose which I would rather give up as I age. My sight or my hearing. My grandmother lost both. Sight, as I mentioned before, is how I learn best, create things and am physically calmed. When I see anything that is beautiful to me (no matter how great or small) it just takes my breath away. Hearing allows me to listen to music that triggers a very similar emotion within me. I just hope I do not have to choose. Both are already starting to fail for me. Too much loud music I suppose!
17. I envision myself in old age either sitting in a rocking chair on a veranda in town or sitting on a rocker on a wooden porch overlooking a thicket of woods and/or a creek. Either scenario would involve me with a book, music of some kind, a notebook, a camera, or drawing paper in hand. Geez …enough with the old talk!
18. I am looking forward to grandchildren so much!
19. Boredom is not in my vocabulary. How in this wonderful world could anyone say they are bored? Look around people!
20. I want to become a better Christian in action. I have drifted for too long without a church home and spiritual family. Religion or more specifically doctrine is something Roger and I do not agree on, so we have never really in our marriage attended church for any length of time together. For years now I have not even attended church on a regular basis and I miss it. Another thing I just need to do and get over the fact that I will be going alone.
21. I admire people who can enter the room and instantly become at ease with the situation and become the “life of the party” so to speak. I usually feel socially awkward even in situations where I know people. I feel much more comfortable observing and melting into the walls. I never quite feel like I belong or am completely accepted. Sounds like a therapy issue!
22. I am also a pseudo “closet” dancer and performer. In my mind I am out there just groovin’. I would love to be able to throw all my inhibitions to the wind and dance like I look like I know how. I always wanted to be involved with acting and Performance Theater but never felt like I could breath or live past the first attempt. The simple act of teaching used to be hard for me to fathom… you know the part where you feel like you are live and on stage and being observed and critiqued by other adults. Not the day to day teaching activities so much, just the formal observation times. The love for the children and the desire to try and give them a fairly stable learning environment won out over my basic fears. Five year olds always make you feel like everything you do is great, so what a wonderful audience they are.
23. I love to cook and feel like I am a fairly good cook but I do not like to clean up the mess. I love to watch cooking shows on TV and am always altering or making up recipes according to what I have on hand in the house. This often leads to me making something that is pretty decent and then I can’t remember how I did it the next time I want to make it. I rarely follow recipes exactly for anything except desserts.
24. I despise housework! There I said it. There is absolutely nothing gratifying about cleaning. Don’t get me wrong. I love a clean house. I just don’t like to be the one doing it. Too much else out there to get into that is much more fun and rewarding than cleaning. YUCK! I spent years resenting having to clean just because I was a woman. Nothing I hate worse than cleaning and having someone just watching me and not helping or making messes faster than I can physically clean them up. Pick up a broom or a dish! I think that is the one thing I did not like about having young children. There was always a mess somewhere and it made me feel a little perturbed inside that I had to always be picking it up after someone. Luckily, Roger has always been good about helping as much as he can. When the kids were younger he was out working two and three jobs just so I could stay home with them so he did not have the time like he does now to help at home. He just doesn’t like to hear me fuss about a mess (his own baggage issues…) and it always made me feel a little better to grumble about cleaning while I did it. This has been a bone of contention with us for years.
25. I love my life even if it sounds as though I am complaining some/a lot. I think it is hard to write about oneself without sounding like you are whining or being self critical and complaining. I would not trade my life experiences for anything and feel so blessed to have the life and family I have been given.