I spent the afternoon in the yard finally getting things cut and composted that I should have done in the fall but was unable to get to because of Mom being sick. I thought although it was a little cold and windy, that in light of the severe weather and devastation of tornadoes we had in Kentucky, I should do a little clean up around here. This clean up does not even begin to compare with those that lost their lives, homes and property. I just felt the urge to be out in the air, cleaning and felt the need to prepare for spring.
This naturally had me thinking of Mom. She wanted so badly to live to see another spring. She cherished the feeling of rebirth, second chances and redemption. She loved all the things that spring unfolds. She anticipated watching everything that has been wrapped up tightly, kept safe from winter's cold, getting ready to burst forth in warmth and glory. She always thought people were like that too. She believed the best about people and their condition and always looked for and expected them to make the right decisions and choices. She had a strong connection to what was right and wrong and really thought everyone did or had the potential to whether they regularly exercised the option or not.
She prided herself on being a free thinker. She firmly believed we were given brains for a reason and that we are not to blindly follow without first thinking things through. Because of this and the intense need she had for making good choices, she really bristled up when anyone tried to tell her what to do without giving her the option of "mulling it over" first. Even well meaning people have suffered through the wrath of Mom thinking she was being discounted or that her ideas and thoughts were being pushed into the dreaded corner of "having to do as told".
I think it is because of Mom's dislike of being bossed around, that she indirectly became known as an encourager. People would choose to come to her to "unload" and ultimately seek advice and wisdom. She would never tell you what you "ought to do" or "had" to do. She would instead listen and eventually plant the seed gently that she thought might help someone out of their predicament. She would wait and let the person affected come to the conclusion of what would be the best thing to do all on their own. She liked to empower that way.
I don't really know how the longing for being outside and preparing for spring made me want to write of mom and make this post. I just felt the intense desire to talk about her. I really mourned and wished she could have been alongside, feeling the warmth, smelling and touching the earth, pondering the possibilities right along with me. Strangely, she was. The sunshine warmed me and felt like her fingers stroking my hair. I could hear her exclaim and sigh through me as I discovered each new sight of green poking up from under the soil. Clearly, she continually lives through my eyes. I just need to be still, listen and feel.
I'm still here.
12 hours ago