Reflections

Just how do you say goodbye to a mother?  I have kept myself absorbed and busy with the task at hand.  Making her as comfortable as possible, shopping for little things she needs, cleaning some and constant trips to and stays at the hospital.  What I cannot face is to never hear her voice again.  To never smell her sweet smell. To never hug her and laugh with her.  To not ever again pick up my phone and call her once or twice a day just to check in and see how her day went.  Recently, I have spent as many hours as I possibly can right by her side but in day to day life there was rarely a day that went by that I did not talk to her.  How do I begin to make those same connections with other people like I have done with my Mom for almost 55 years?  I am the only daughter and only grandaughter of two strong women.  I am numb almost.  Going through the motions.  I just do not want her to suffer in any way and I am helpless to fix anything.  So I do my best.  Fluff pillows, get ice, place aquaphor within her reach and love her.

My Mother Kept A Garden




My Mother kept a garden.

A garden of the heart;

She planted all the good things,

That gave my life it's start.



She turned me to the sunshine,

And encouraged me to dream:

Fostering and nurturing

The seeds of self-esteem.



And when the winds and rains came,

She protected me enough;

But not too much, she knew I'd need

To stand up strong and tough.



Her constant good example,

Always taught me right from wrong;

Markers for my pathway

To last my whole life long.



I am my Mother's garden,

I am her legacy.

And I hope today she feels the love,

Reflected back from me.

Unknown

Here's to Big Bear

Mama Troubles

Mom had another set back. She unlocked the door in anticipation of home health coming and somehow when home health arrived, she was on the driveway with her head bleeding and incoherent. She wound up with a skull fracture and concussion with bleeding to the brain. She was in ICU from Friday until Sunday and now in a regular room. She is in lots of pain and has yet to be mobile because of the severe vertigo, Meds ordered last night to control the vertigo so hopefully that will help. Keep her in your prayers.

Source: youtube.com via Selene on Pinterest

Been a long time

I have not been posting to blogger very much in the last year. Seems as though facebook has taken over but I really want to try and post here more often. Just posted a cover of an iron and wine song my son Travis did just recently and thought I would take the opportunity to post what has been going on lately. My mom has been battling pancreatic cancer. It all happened rather suddenly and it seems as though we have all lost summer and fall as a result. She had been sicker than usual this summer and we were not sure why. She had made some trips to the emergency room only to be told she had pancreatitis. Come to find out...what was really happening ...was cancer. She underwent the Whipple procedure on September 13 and was lucky to have been one of the twenty percent who get a chance to even have the surgery. It is a major surgery right up there with transplants. She seemed to be healing nicely but developed a fistula from the pancreas which has made her have to keep the drain tube in much longer than was anticipated. She stayed in hospital two weeks then came to my house for two weeks. I took her home on Sunday night only to discover Monday morning there was a swelling developing underneath her incision. They put her back in the hospital and did surgery again on Tuesday to clean out an infection that had been festering beneath the site the whole time. She just got out yesterday. The bandages will have to be changed twice a day until the wound heals. This could be weeks or it could be months. She still has the feeding tube and the drain tube in place that also have to be cleaned and flushed. She has been able to eat very little and as a result has lost over thirty pounds in six weeks. Nothing she eats smells or tastes good to her to the point of making her sick. It has been a chore trying to keep her hydrated and nourished even a little, which in turn makes her even more tired. The irony of this is how much she has always enjoyed food. It has been one of her greatest pleasures in life. I am wanting so badly to get her stronger before she has to begin chemo and radiation. The fortunate news is that there was no evidence of cancer cells in the lymph nodes or in surrounding organs from the biopsy done at the initial surgery. There were however cells found around the margins of the pancreas. She will have five weeks of chemo (pill form) and radiation. Please pray that her body heals, that her spirits lift and she develops and keeps a positive outlook and increased faith that with each healing day she has been given a chance for living. I fear that the fighting part of her spirit is giving up.

Hickory (Iron & Wine) by Pilots & Errors